How to Put Your Child in a Position to Succeed | Podcast with Sonya and Sacha
I loved getting to film this podcast with Sonya and Sacha because I'm so passionate about how my parents parented me and why I think it's the most absurd shit ...
- Like I just, I really struggle, I really struggle with being upset about what everybody spends their time being upset about. Like losing an account or, or having somebody make fun of you, just like, like it’s just really hard to get upset about things other than the health of the 11 people I give a shit about.
- [Sonya] Love that. We’ve been watching so much of your content, you look at people walking in this room, and they play it so cool ya know, they’re going oh, I’m cool for school, I couldn’t wait, I was like bursting to get in here, and be like.
- I’m Gary Vaynerchuk, my story is a classic American immigrant story, I was born in Belarus in the former Soviet Union, I came here when I was a little kid, I lived in a studio apartment, the size of the office we’re in, with six family members, seven family members, depending on the day of the week, extremely humble beginnings, didn’t speak the language, got picked on, because I didn’t speak the language, but then I had an amazing childhood, we, very quickly my dad worked his butt off, and became a manager of a liquor store, which allowed us, and afforded us to move out to Edison, New Jersey, and there I became an entrepreneur, I played plenty of whiffle ball, and Nerf foot ball, and ya know, a lot of games, but I spent, and got, in hindsight, I spent an ungodly amount of time on car washes, on lemonade stands, on raking leaves, on singing Christmas carols, anything to make a dollar, anything, and so, and that led to baseball cards, which then led to a very successful entrepreneurial career in the wine business, which is my dad’s business, in a, in investing, ya know, Tumblr, and Twitter, and Uber stocks are hanging around here, and I invested in those pretty IPO, and now we’re sitting in VaynerMedia, ya know, which is a 150 million dollar agency, and then obviously along the way, I’ve also built out a personal brand, that’s led to what’s about to be my 5th New York Time’s bestselling book, and.
- And a career where I’m getting, the fact that I get paid more to give a one hour speech today, than I made for the whole year just ya know 15 years ago, it’s just scary exciting, and so, that’s been fun, and as you guys know, have really inspired an interesting conversation amongst a lot of people, a slightly, ya know, a slightly different take I think on what has motivated, ya know, I don’t think of myself as a motivational speaker, but I’m clearly a personality that is been able to get people to get results.
- So, I’m writing a book called Perfectly Parented, and it’s the perspective of a kid, who feels his parents perfectly parented him. My mom and dad, so, I, I never did any, I mean, I did nothing wrong except get bad grades, so, I never disrespected anybody, I never did cliche drugs and alcohol stuff, I was, I was the nicest kid.
I was friends with everybody in my high school, I worked every minute, I went to like 7 high school parties in my life, ya know, I just worked, I like, helped around the house cause I was the oldest, I was, I was a ridiculously good kid, yet, I wasn’t like a square, or ya know, like meaning I had fun, I enjoyed it, like, my high school years were very simple, I worked every minute, or which was the happiest moments of time, whether it was doing baseball card shows, selling at flea markets, or working in my dad’s liquor store, or I was in school being miserable.
I didn’t play sports. I played tennis for two years, but I barely played sports I I didn’t chase girls, for the most part, like, I just was very focused on being an entrepreneur, from a very young age, and I was obsessed with not making my mom upset.
- By providing so much love, and, and support, that the fear is letting them down, guilting. Iris was gonna leave after working here for a year, that was her plan, that was her thoughts, but she’s still here, because it’s better to be here, than it’s not to be here.
- Because their parents are screwing up, their parents are doing the wrong thing, their parents care about themselves not their kids. Parents are struggling out there, because they’re insecure, and they’re parenting their children based on the judgment of other parents, not based on putting their kids in this position to succeed.
- Maybe it was overcorrection for not having a mom, she wanted to the best, but I haven’t really deeply psychoanalyzed my mom yet, but ya know, she she, boy did she do a good job, and I think, ya know, again, I think the reason I’m popular, as a personality is cause I’m better to my audience than anybody else.
- I think legacy is far more attractive than currency, and, and that’s what my mom created, like, she, she took, she gave up the short term judgment, I was a D and F student, Tyler, is my report card coming?
- Great, I’m listening. I’ve made zero judgements so far, on how I’m doing that, I am just watching them, the way you become a great parent, and put your child in a position to succeed is you build the road map and the blueprint in reaction to who they are not your personal ideological wants and needs.
I’m watching them. I’m seeing what comes natural to them, what they love, and what they don’t love, what they’re good at, what they’re not good at, and then I will create supportive infrastructure around that, but right now, pure love, and pure support while deep lines in the sand, of what is humanly right and wrong.
Being nice is a line in the sand, trying to from resemblance of compassion and empathy is a line in the sand, you can’t, I don’t know how much you can instill empathy and compassion, but I’m trying to in a subtle way.
- What am I not gonna buy them a toy, while their going to the Hamptons for the summer, like, ya know, you don’t, you don’t, you don’t fabricate environment, so, I’m in the listening business right now.
- Everybody needs to do what they do, but I’m doing it, ya know, as, to me what scares me is when somebody does tactics and doesn’t live it. If you’re actually grateful, then that tactic is phenomenal, it’s a reinforcer.
- But if you’re not, and you’re doing it as an optic, which is what so many parents do, parents do a lot of things they don’t believe in, they do what they think they’re supposed to be doing, and they get caught up in a rat race of, I’m telling you this is what, what took me, until I was one, but even more importantly, until I spent time with a lot of them, now that I have kids, I spend time with ‘em, I’m like, here’s a good one, do you know that I didn’t really understand why parents put bumper stickers on their cars of the universities that their kids went to.
- It’s just ego, and it’s insecurity, and it’s trying to paint a picture, and so, to me, ya know, I know who I am as a human, and what my values are, and how I think people, like how I would, ya know, here’s what I’m thinking about, I, it’s less about I’m gonna do, It’s more about what I’m gonna do in reaction to, so.
- I was on a flight, I’ll never forget it, that was outside of an airport. I was on a flight, and two people in a row DM’ed me something on Insta, I’m a listener, I’m a counter puncher, you know I’m a very interesting character, I’m confusing, because I talk all the time, I interrupt people, so, everybody thinks all I wanna do is talk, but what’s interesting is I spend the majority of my time listening, nobody reads their comments more than me, nobody, speaks and adjusts on the fly based on how the audience is reacting more than me, nobody does that, like I believe in that, in me, I think that’s why, so, I’m listening, so, what happened, I was listening, I read two separate emails or DM’s, or Twitter posts of like, some insecurities from two of my audience members, something hit me of like, of a seed of like, this is, like, I hear it all the time, but something in those two in a row got me motivated, I got off the airplane, and I was like let’s film this, and I just happened to see a dumpster, and thought it was a funny scene, and ya know, referenced trash and high school, and like, just had a moment, ya know, I have, a lot of times I know when I’m, I can’t predict virality, but I always know when I have something in me, if I can get them to film it, that it’s going to do well.
So, to me it’s just checking a box. So, what you’re a big shot, cause you went to every little league game, but meanwhile you’re an alcoholic, or you’re insecure, and you’re trying to suppress your child, or you tell them that they can’t do, or you make them over practice baseball, because it makes you feel good if they get a scholarship around baseball, so I much rather miss every other play, and recital and ball game, but make my kids emotional ninjas, that’s my choice on this issue.
- Because people listening to me, I’m penetrating, like, I, ya know why, cause I’m speaking the truth, you and I we’re doing a show right now, I’m bringing up thematics in parenting, that I’m struggling to see people talk about, cause I’m getting to the part that nobody wants to talk about, the truth, the truth is you’re struggling with parenting, cause, it’s all about you.
- Do you know how many parents? You’re saying that you want your kid to be well rounded, and so, they’re in violin and sports, and this that, but it’s because you wanna go cycling, and have a coffee with your girlfriends, that’s the truth.
- So, either we’re gonna talk about the truth or not, you’re saying that you’re gonna pay, what a great dad I am, I’m sending Ricky to the best baseball camp this year, and I’m working hard to pay for it.
- Not with my audience, it’s about them, and definitely obviously, not with my kids, it is about them, and I’ll get mine in the residuals, my mom is like walking around, like a champ, like my mom and I talk every other morning, every morning, every ya know, sometimes I can go a week without talking to her, so, it’s not even like, ya know, it’s not like this cliche I talk to my mom everyday, we’re talking, I’m talking to my mom right now, like, we’re like that. - Yeah.
Ya know, like she’s the, like, she’s getting, like everything gets paid off properly, she’s an all time mom, and I was meant to be somebody who has an audience, who that then gets to tell everybody she was an all time mom, and that’s a big deal.
- Do you know, we’ve interviewed so many people, and, and it’s been really common thread through successful people that we’ve spoken to, that they’ve had these difficult sort of, ya know, childhood teenage years, and they’ve had struggles, and they’ve come from this, and you’re the first one. - Well, I’ll tell you what.
- And I’m one of them, and I think, there’s a lot of people, as I’m talking to you, I’m thinking about a lot of kids, who, a lot of times in immigrant families, cause when you have a tight family, that’s really a big factor, who had great childhoods, and are crushing it, because they’re blindly self confident, I’m blindly self confident, my mom brainwashed me into believing I’m the best, and I just believed, I really believe it, like, I, in a world of Elon Musk, and Mark Zuckerberg, and Jeff Bezos, and Mark Cuban, and all these incredible entrepreneurs, in a world of that, and incredible executives like Cheryl Sandberg, and Ariana Huffington, in a world of that, I’m completely utterly convinced, as I sit here with you today, that I will be the alpha winner of this generation, because I won’t make the most money, but I will make the most money, and impact the most people, you can’t win this thing without both.
- That’s cool. - In everything we do right. So, if you’re having the best fun, it looks like you’re having the best fun ever, so, what’s the most fun part about what you do, and what’s the toughest part?
- I was built to be who I am, I’m absolutely, gonna have 100% awareness in the world, everybody on this world, as long as I don’t die too young for some reason, in 40 years every person on this earth will know who I am, I was built for that, there are very few people that achieve that, I will achieve it, and, it’s, there’s a lot of reasons, there’s a lot of people who are uber famous, before that weren’t known in Africa or Asia, because of the way media worked, but the way media works now, I will be known everywhere, that’s the best and most fun, but it’s also the hardest, because when you are for everyone, it takes away from what you have left for yourself and your family.
- What are we talking about here, people are playing in the fucking bullshit, we’re training on the bullshit, we’re talking about commodity stuff, no kid’s gonna need you, if the parent was playing in the clouds.
- And it’s all predict about them listening, if you watch your child for seven years, and you’re obsessed about that, you know how many parents parent all three of their kids the same way, do you know how crazy that is?
- So, it’s all about selfishness and insecurity at the parent level. So, I’m not gonna concede to the current state of political correctness. It’s not gonna be considered politically correct in three years.
You know how many, you know how many parents are drawing a line in the sand, that I’m not gonna reward this bad behavior, and they think like that’s the most important thing, without realizing how this actually all works, why are a lot of rich kids spoiled and shitty, and why are a lot of rich kids like, you can’t believe that they’re super rich, and have, it was the parenting, it was the framework, it was the experience, it was the environment, there’s a million variables that go into it.
- Gotta, gotta look way bigger than that, like, I love debating this with parents, because I win every time, here’s why, we’re selective, like, any parents that’s like listening right now, it’s like, you’re wrong about that Gary, I’m like, cool, let’s sit down and talk, and let me spend one hour, tell me everything, well, like, well you don’t, you don’t feed your kids very well, and that might be somebody else’s number one, I’m like wait, you let your kids drink soda everyday, that’s somebody else’s, you gotta read well. - Mmm.
- Again, great, but I know a ton of parents, who make their kids do music, so that they have to be with an instructor, so, they can go do something. It’s not that they believe the musical skill set will set them free.
- It’s just that, it’s just an emotional gain, it’s not a physical gain, and so to me, it’s just getting kids in the right mindset, teaching them very basic things, like kindness and gratitude, and, and work ethic.
- It’s like, to me it’s the next step, which is like, yes, but like, I’m not scared to rip off the bandaid, one can say gradually get them into being a 14 year old, that has a job, and chores help them, I actually agree with that, that makes sense.
- I’m also not scared of buying them everything in the world, and then walking in on their 14th birthday, and saying, and by the way, 14’s an arbitrary number, it can be 13, it can 16, but picking some moment, that I feel good about, and saying I’m not giving you shit, and now you work, and they’d be like you fucked me, because,
you know, you gave me everything, but I know that if I can do that somewhere, two to three years before of college, four years before college, during college, that they’ll be on their way, they just have to know that they have to do to get what they want, and to me I don’t mind if I screwed them, or if I gradually put them into it, because guess what, in life, both are gonna happen.
- In life, you’ll have fort, when you lose a parent, some people lose their parent, brrriiiibriiiii, hello, and it’s your sibling crying, mom died, right, others, mom gets diagnosed, and takes four and a half years.
- So, to me it’s just preparing, all these parents trying to prepare their kids for life, by touching everything and anything, everything, and, it’s so fucking, it’s, everybody who’s a parent right now, will go down generally in a 100 years will be viewed upon as the worst generation of parents in the history of man kind.
We are doing a terrible collective job, and there are hundreds of millions, there’s tens of millions of phenomenal parents, unfortunately, the global, and obviously, this is not the case in Venezuela, this is not the case in Syria, but globally, things have been very good for the last 50-67 years, World War II is a long time ago, the black plague is a long time ago, right.
- Mmm. Our great grandparents were good at parenting, cause they didn’t have time to worry about play dates, they were worried about bombs dropping on heads, they were worried about the depression, they were worried about different things, if you’re a third generation Australian or American parent, or your eastern European, western Europe parent, on a macro, there’s a lot of good, so, you’ve now gotten into the fuck’in third generation of prosperity, so, that means we’re soft.
- That’s real, here’s what I would say. I would never tell anybody how to parent, period, let’s start, I’ve been doing that for this whole conversation. Let me make everybody understand we’re just, I’m answering a question.
- Yeah, I have zero interest in telling how somebody to parent, here’s what I would say, there’s enough in the system right now to show, that the way we’ve kind of been doing it for the last 15 to 20 years has some cracks in the armor.
- Like, and we wanna keep demonizing new technologies, because we don’t wanna face our own issues, so, what I would say is I scrutinize myself as a parent everyday, and I don’t think enough people are doing that.
- Stop blaming them, because that’s what, every teenager’s running, I get every DM, my fucked me, they made it so, I love this, they made it so easy for me, like, my parents fucked me, they made it so easy for me, now, I’m struggling, I’m like, alright, like, deal with it, we’re treating teenagers like three years olds, instead of, like we’re going down instead of up.
- And you’re pretty, you’re good at sports, you’re not pretty, you’re not good at sports, you’re good at math, you’re bad a math, like, it’s your life. So, now what, you can spend all your energy dwelling, and blaming or you can realize, that if you’re capable of taking on responsibility, and going forward right now you will win in life.
Now, that’s heavy shit for a 15 year old. Cause I ya know, I see it go over their head, plenty of times, but here’s my point, that’s the right answer, and more importantly, if one out of every four ‘em take it, you’re making an impact. - Mmmhmm.
- What would be my intuition, that if you said hey, come and analyze us, I would say without knowing anything, because it’s 99.9% of what’s happening in the world, as you go through it, everybody tries to find that Mendoza line, that can affect as many people as possible, without realizing that then it gets too vanilla, and it’s not doing what they want for anybody, I’d rather impact one out of every 17 teenagers, to meaningfully change, than 0 out of 17 by pandering and wavering, in a couple places to make it seem more consumable, it’s tough.
- Because the only reason you’re not is your worried about what’s coming back where you, when you go there, and it could come in a million ways, they won’t get it, which is nice, to think, or mmm, that would be tough for parents to hear, or tough for kids to hear, like it’s one or the other, I think that’s the truth, your truth and your opinion, at its strength is its purest form, not watered down.